Life, universe and everything

Spam

I use Akismet to keep unwanted spam comments away from my blog.

Occasionally a comment from a genuine, flesh&bone reader will pass through Akismet’s filter and be marked as spam. That’s why from time to time I check the spam comments to make sure Akismet is not trying to trick me.

 

Most of the times the comments I find are advertising erectile dysfunction medication, some obscure websites in Russia or give page names that must be the result of a cat stepping on a keyboard, such as xfmtrjznpbwl.com for instance. Anyway, that’s most of the times.

Every now and then I find a message that says:

Do you think Michel Jackson killed himself?
What you think about my web? [web address here].

Umm… no, I think MJ framed his death. He is now living on a desert island with Elvis, Waldo and the Three Stooges.

Doesn’t “my web” sound really, really weird? It sounds like a pick-up line a spider would use. So he can pick up a spider female that would eat him after having sex.

 

You know so many interesting infomation. You might be very wise. I like such people. Don’t top writing.

Excuse me? I might be very wise? You should address me as sensei.

 

And here is the one that really had me LOLing.

Your post The Tell-Tale Blog » Puns for smart kids was very interesting when I found it over google on Sunday by my search for pornostar. I have your blog now in my bookmarks and I visit your blog again, soon. Take care.

I guess the dude is using the Bizzarro Google, a place where searches such as “pornostar” will take you to pages about witty and completely porn-unrelated puns.

Actually it’s possible that your comment, Phil set Google’s wheels in motion. It’s starting to make sense now.

 

interesting material, where such topics do you find? I will often go.

Is this Yoda speak? Strong with you the force is.

 

Finally, a word of advice: dear spammers, if you want your spam-writing abilities to improve follow these 7 steps that guarantee a 99.9% success rate in getting your target audience to fall back on their asses in awe at the pure ingenuity of your message.

7 steps to writing better spam email (or, what to do if you’ve got an overstock of viagra)
 

I realize writing spam email is difficult. You’ve got to set up scripts and buy mailing lists and harvest addresses and set up proxies. I know. It’s hard work. But if you’re going to go through all that trouble, you may as well go that extra step to really pull me in until I’m so compelled I can’t help but order your cheap viagra online because I would just be crazy not to. Even though I’m a girl.

After years of extensive research and experience of receiving and not reading spam mail, I pass my wisdom on to you.

  1. Typos make your email seem more real. Computers spell everything correctly. Humans, not so much. We’re not great at typing and we forget our elementary school spelling lessons because we’ve had all those years since then of drinking vodka, I mean learning other things that crowd our brains. But if you’re going to go the typo route, really go all out. For instance, I have an email in my inbox right now with the subject line “P C PC н ³ê Ä£ ʽ90650″. Clearly, a computer couldn’t have written that. That is likely from some friend of mine drunk emailing me. I would be foolish not to click on it.
  2. Include the word “Google” in the subject. Everything’s free at Google, so obviously, Google probably gives a lot of stuff away over email. For instance, I have an email right now that says I just won a Google lottery! It has batch numbers and reference numbers so it must be legit. Plus, it’s from Google, who would not lie about me winning the lottery, right? All I have to do is send them my bank information, plus a few other small details, so they can deposit the money into my account. That Google, so high tech. They don’t even need to mail me a check. Of course, the email tells me to keep the news of my winning private, to prevent any mixups, so I hope blogging about it won’t keep me from getting my winnings.
  3. Write the email in a language other than the one I speak. I will find that exotic and sexy. I won’t know what I’m ordering, but I won’t be able to resist giving you my credit card number.
  4. Call me your friend. Everyone can use more friends. And the best kind of friend is one who you’ve never heard of, who sends emails completely unsolicited. If the person is willing to do that without being asked, just think of how much help he’ll be when you need to move that heavy couch down two flights of stairs and into your new apartment.
  5. Include profound stanzas of poetry. If you know poetry, you must be sincere. To really get me though, make obscure Chaucer references and quote Sylvia Plath. You might have to get an English degree to make these emails really authentic, but I think it’s a fair price to pay to make me really feel the pain you felt when your rich father/husband/uncle, who was the king/president/prime minister of an African and/or Eastern European country died and left you all of his money, but in such a way that you can only get to it if I take some of it as well.
  6. Forget to replace your variables with actual, well, values. Sure, you could say, “Hello Vanessa. I love your blog at www.ninebyblue.com. It really speaks to me in a way that no other nude blog does.” But if instead you say “Hello Name. I love your blog at URL. It really speaks to me in a way that no other TOPIC blog does,” then I can see that you like me so much, you’ve given me a special nickname. And my blog is so definitive that you think of the domain as just URL. When you type something into that browser address bar, you don’t think of a URL beyond mine. There simply is no other URL. And my blog’s topic is the only topic you care to know. To you, my blog is the topic of life. There’s no need to classify it and give it some category name that fences it in and limits it. Oh value-free variables, you warm my heart and make me feel like this crazy old world makes sense after all.
  7. Be creative with the free stuff. Look, anyone can offer an iPod, vacation to Mexico or prepaid phone card. You’re not actually going to send that out to anyone, so think outside of the box! If you want people to open your mail, tell them you’re giving away fields of unicorns! Smurfs! One of the smaller oceans! Which would you rather have the thrill of almost but not quite winning? A Home Depot gift card or a spa vacation on fluffy white clouds where angels fan you with their wings and share their cream cheese? That’s what I thought.

I really hoped you’ve stocked enough of that cheap viagra, because once you implement these tips, that stuff will just be flying off the shelves. Maybe you should get some back up cialis, just in case you run out.

Via Ninebyblue.

 

spam DPchallenge 

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Comments (2)

  • I’ve been lucky enough not to receive any spam comments. I like to think it’s because I’m so unpopular.

    Reply
  • –@Bookish Spazz: I think it’s because when people want to leave comments they must enter the 5(?)-letter code written in squiggly letters. It’s called a CAPTCHA. I don’t have that on my blog, so I get quite a lot of spams…

    Reply

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