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The melon affair

Wait till you guys hear what happened yesterday!


D&I went out after work. I’m not telling you where we went because it’s none of your business and it has nothing to do with the story.

On our way back we stopped by a fruit&veg store and bought a big ass melon. It was so big that the medium-sized melons were in orbit around it and the smaller ones could not resist its gravitational pull.

We’re talking 11 kilos of melon. That’s almost as heavy as a 2 year old baby.


D picked it. He knows how to see if water melons are just good. He tapped it with his palm and supposedly it made a sound which said “I’m perfect!”. I couldn’t really say because when I tap a water melon it doesn’t speak to me in tongues. I guess I don’t have what it takes to me a melon whisperer.



So we take the melon. The cashier lady gives as two bags to carry it. Because, just one bag? come on! The gargantuan beast would have passed right through like an anvil thrown from the 10th floor through a safety net. [Ok, this is how I pictured it in my head. Don’t ask!]

But even two bags were not enough. It’s like we had a lead canon ball in there. The bags were stretching with every step and I was beginning to fear that our new purchase would spread its seed [literally] on the pavement.

So D had to carry it in his arms like a baby. A 2 year old baby, don’t you forget.


After a while naturally his arms were hurting so he tried to shift positions, but really how many ways are there to carry a 23 lb melon?

Well, here’s one I bet you didn’t know: on the shoulder, like a boombox.


boombox melon 

I know exactly what you’re thinking: oh oh! And you would be right to think that because the words “stop fooling around!” didn’t even have the time to come out of my mouth properly that D begins doing these juggler/break dancer moves and says “Oh, I’m going to drop it, I’m going to drop it!”.

I cannot even begin to describe the moves he was doing. I guess the best thing I can give you is this: you know those jugglers that can make a ball walk between their shoulders?

Well, that’s exactly what D was doing with the 23 lb melon. Except he was not juggling, but trying not to drop it on the ground. The damned bags were very slippery so he had to contort his body in some really weird positions to stabilize the melon.

This whole thing lasted for only two seconds maybe, because I didn’t exactly have time to react and help him. So I just stood there and watched the whole thing, half laughing, half scared of seeing THE BIGGEST MELON EVER crash on Prince Arthur street in Montreal.


We laughed so hard on the rest of the way home and I’m laughing as I type this because I just can’t stop picturing D coming to the realization that something bad is going to happen and then actually saying the words aloud “Oh, I’m going to drop it, I’m going to drop it!”.

This is going to be one of those things that we tell at parties and begin with me saying “Do you guys know the melon story?”

Comments (6)

  • Hahahaha that’s awesome. I totally knew how the story was going to end right when you talked about him holding it like a boombox!! 😛

  • Back when I was in Kenya, I somehow became the self-appointed volunteer for bringing home water for the entire group. That was because everybody was dragging home these dinky water bottles from the market. That is…until they saw me bring home a 5 gallon (~40 lbs) bottle (the type on water coolers).

    It was about a 20 minute walk each time. But you DO have to carry it on your shoulder like a boom box — like in the picture, but with your other hand to stabilize it.

    Perhaps D just needs to man up. Buy him some little watermelons and slowly increment the melon sizes until he’s a melon transporting machine!

  • Phill, don’t hurt my ego, I consider myself to be a tough guy … grrrrrrr most of the time rrrrrr
    I could have carried the watermelon on the shoulder just fine if it were not for the very slippery plastic bags. And I wanted to ditch the plastic bags but I didn’t want to get dirt all over my white t-shirt. All in all I ended up doing some funky acrobatics. I am amazed I was able to catch the melon, I don’t think I’ll be able to do that next time. So if you see me on the street with a plastic bag covering something big and round on my shoulder, don’t get too close, you never know.

  • Melons? I never carry them myself, and if I do I don’t have to carry one for long,because there’s always a vehicle nearby I can shove it into. Maybe for future melon outings D should purchase a nice wheel barrow 😛

  • I suppose you have a big fridge or a big stomach. I remember eating 10 kilos melons in Moldavia, but we were 6 people doing that and I was stuffed.

  • –@everybody: the melon is finished. We are done eating it. The “technique” we used was to cut it in half and then put it in the fridge. Yes, you are stuffed after you eat about 1kilo of melon but 15 min and a trip to the bathroom later you are ready for portion #2.


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