on Instagram

Life, universe and everything Moviez

Barf-inducing Twilight saga

No, I haven’t seen New Moon. I’m saving my brain cells. I have seen about 30 min of the first movie, Twilight. And as you can see from the title, I found it quite nauseating.

The truth is that the best thing about this saga are the reviews. I love them. All that sarcasm and irony. It sure can make a girl happy. Seriously, they fill my heart with joy!

So get comfy, and read on!


From Pajiba. These guys are GOOD!


Is Summit Entertainment, the studio behind the Twilight series, slipping something into Midol? Are teenage girls suddenly tussling their pubic hairs and excreting menstrual glitter? Are those little pills imprinted with Team Jacob or Team Edward on them now? Apparently, Midol Teen Formula relieves cramps, backache, and bloating, while addling the soft brains of our hysterical female youth.

The unholy devotion to this franchise can’t be explained any other way — something is seriously affecting the judgment of teenage girls. They’ve lost their taste for plot, conflict, basic acting ability, or even marginal directing talent. New Moon isn’t a movie — it’s an incoherent, clunky, maddeningly bland and fiercely tedious half-chewed bolus of sexual lubricant.

It’s cinematic Astroglide (Rated PG-13) with no apparent purpose but to shatter hymens, drench theater seats in armpit stench and elicit the ear-bursting squeals and coos of adolescent females with little impulse control and lots of discretionary spending money.


Next, The Naked Redhead. She says New Moon is the devil. I agree.


SO MUCH UNNECESSARY GIGGLING.  Folks, I’m concerned about the state of our country’s sense of humor.  America, here’s a quick lesson:  Funny=cheerleaders falling.  Not funny=weakly written parental jokes about being "grounded forever."  Seriously, these ladies and the occasionally emasculated boyfriend thought that everything in this movie was hilarious.  I assure you, save for the rare clever turn or phrase or well-timed look, this movie was NOT funny.

In all seriousness, though, that’s kind of the one thing I despise about the whole Twilight "saga" (what a horrid word to use for this trash)…that two eighteen year old kids have decided that they would rather die than live without each other.  Here’s a few other sad lines:

"Is this about my soul?  If it is, then I don’t care!  Take it, it’s yours."  (VOMIT)

"He’s decided he’d rather die than live without you."  (BAAARRRFF)


To those 2 lines, I would add, as the guys from Cracked.com put it, this illustration of perfect Pulitzer-worthy literary style:

"Aren’t you hungry?" he asked, distracted.

"No." I didn’t feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full – full of butterflies.


And more from Cracked.com (via Fabulously Broke).

[…] She [Bella] finally regains Edward’s attention after she deliberately jumps off a cliff and almost dies. Edward, being a thirteen-year-old girl, thinks Bella has died and goes to Italy to commit suicide. He attempts to do this by exposing himself to the sun at noon in an Italian town. Since sunlight doesn’t actually harm Twilight vampires, one must assume that Edward is hoping some macho Italians will see him in at full sparkle and beat him to death for being gay.

I urge you to go read these reviews in full. And then let me know what you think about probably the worst block buster in the history of cinema. Go ahead, let it all out! It’s therapeutic.

Comments (3)

  • I haven’t seen any of the movies or read the books either. I’m so not into vampires. I will be happy when the vampire trend goes away! Those reviews are interesting that’s fur sure.

  • Ha ha ha ha ha!!!
    Fabulous. The reviews, not the movie, of course.
    That being said, I watched it last night. In a cinema, no less.
    I need new, stronger meds. 🙁


Leave a Reply to Phil Cancel reply