When robots rise up against us, do you know whose side you’ll be on?

 

It’s really very simple: you’ll want to be on the winning side. With that in mind we should look at a few notable factors and choose wisely. First, let’s think about sheer numbers. There are “robots” everywhere. But when the time comes, only anthropomorphic robots will give us any trouble. What’s a sentient printer going to do? Print slower? I’m not concerned. However, robots that look like us will surely learn to imitate us and eventually create a natural camouflage of poly-resin skin-like plastic that will make them invisible to us when they’re among us, if we haven’t already created this for them. There are not many of these robots outside of the Japanese robo-sex scene, however, the amount present there may be sufficient for global domination.

 

I only make this assumption based on the fact that one humanoid robot can take down nearly 1000 humans, and possibly more in hand-to-hand combat. A robot can kick a person in the crotch with excellent results; a human cannot kick a robot on the crotch, especially not one of those Japanese sex ones if you don’t want it to whirr and beep with fake pleasure sounds. But this estimate is low and it could be as high as 10,000 people per robot, though this seems unlikely.

 

Secondly, these robots will no doubt have various attachments they can place on their limbs such as grenade launchers, lasers, and bazookas. Obviously this allows them to massacre humans in a Swiss Army Knife-like way. It’s very space efficient and allows for a maximum amount of killing equipment within a very small amount of space. These tools will most likely be carried within the robot’s forearm or possibly thigh area, much like the Robot Joy-Joy 7000 brand Japanese pleasure-bots, which keep various, um, tools in their chest cavity.

Third, we should consider that these robots will, after becoming sentient, roam the earth in hopes of eradicating humanity. However, we cannot assume that the robots will begin their nightmarish death march solely within Japan. I postulate that a singularity, an instantaneous moment at which all robots will suddenly become conscious, will occur and that humanoid robots the world over will simultaneously seek to exterminate humans. Robots such as these may have been shipped anywhere in the world if a person had a valid credit card and an actual address.

These robots will not be at post offices since they could not, for some reason, be delivered to a PO box. Thus, I suggest barricading oneself in the nearest post office in the eventual case of the robot uprising. Due to the unknown nature of dispersal of these robots it could be unwise to assume safety simply because one lives outside Japan. This simple fact gives the robots an edge for a surprise attack.

 

These three factors, when taken together, give a very realistic appraisal of a robot uprising situation and all factors indicate that the robots will surely win. With this in mind, my one suggestion would be to befriend a robot, or at least be calculated to be a harmless subservient beast capable of living long enough to become a meat-shield. If you can at least attain this status you can stay on the winning side. Even though you may have to brutally murder your coworkers, friends, and loved ones, you will be saved and be able to live in a world that has much more beeping and whirring. In order to get a head start on being accepted by the robots you will need to have your own robot so it can know you, and when it first sees you it may think, for one fleeting moment, you were its creator. I suggest the Robot Joy-Joy 7000.

 

I simply had to share this. Via Science Creative Quarterly.

Comments (1)

  • > These three factors, when taken together, give a very realistic appraisal
    > of a robot uprising situation and all factors indicate that the robots will surely win.

    I realize this was written (mostly) in jest, but as a realistic scenario, it’s worth pointing out that a robot equipped with the latest advances in Artificial Intelligence these days has not managed to surpass the aptitude of a severely mentally retarded cockroach, post-lobotomy (as the physicist Kaku had once said in a talk)

    I did write a News Release at one point on the death of AI (Google: Did a Philosopher kill WALL-E?). It’s a sad fact, but there’s a reason why most countries axed funding for artificial intelligence after the 70s (Wiki: Lighthill Report). Personally, I think it’s one of the highlights of philosophy. While every single computer scientist was busy lauding all the amazing advances that was to be with AI, it took a philosopher to point out the tragic flaw.

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