My favorite excerpts from an absolutely delicious piece (pun intended):
A perfectly hardboiled egg should be immersed for exactly 7.237 minutes in water heated to a temperature of precisely 380.25 Kelvin (note for higher altitudes: convert to Centigrade and multiply by your exact distance, in light-years, from the center of the Hydra-Centaurus supercluster). Exceeding this temperature will cause the charm quarks inside the egg’s component atoms to misalign ever-so-slightly, resulting in that icky greenish ring around the yolk. Using cooler water risks transforming your egg into a strangelet, which, although rich in good cholesterol, is sure to end life as we know it.
When sautéing mushrooms, slice the caps into roundels of about 6.27×10^28 electrons thickness, give or take one significant figure.
Only experienced chefs should try their hand at Schrödinger’s Salisbury Steak Surprise. It’s often difficult to gauge when to remove this dish from the oven, since it perpetually exists in a state that is both done and not done. Be sure your Geiger counter is set to ”purée”.
Remember that culinary genius is 1% inspiration, 92% perspiration, and 7% margarine-of-error.
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